


A Second Chance

by alena_24



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Barisi - Freeform, Catholicism, Don't worry Barisi shippers, Drinking, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Internal Monologue, Internalized Homophobia, Less of the comfort part, M/M, My First Fanfic, Religion, Rollisi mention, but not really, ish
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-12
Updated: 2017-04-19
Packaged: 2018-10-02 23:50:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10230836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alena_24/pseuds/alena_24
Summary: After Sonny Carisi's faces the possibility of death, he re-evaluates some of his life decisions.  Especially concerning A.D.A. Rafael Barba.  Takes place during/after Season 18 Episode 7: Next Chapter.





	1. What if he never knows?

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! I'm new to this SVU/Barisi stuff, and I'm also new to writing fanfic. I'm not much of a writer... so while I'd love feedback, please be nice. Anyway, here's the beginning of a fic I might decide to abandon entirely in a few weeks.

_What if he never knows?_

This was the fear that plagued Sonny Carisi’s mind as he felt the sting of the cool muzzle of Cole’s gun pressed against his forehead. As his breathing shortened and his body began to shake violently, all of Sonny’s fear and anxiety _and burgeoning acceptance that any second now he would be dead_ was accompanied by one disquieting regret:

_What if he never knows?_

***

To Sonny Carisi, shadowing A.D.A. Rafael Barba in the courtroom was the opportunity a lifetime. Barba was quick and clever and sarcastic when he spoke, and nothing made Sonny more proud than be sitting next to him each time he rose to question a witness. And, as an aspiring lawyer himself, nothing could be more validating to Sonny Carisi than being able to feel as though his contributions to Barba’s arguments were helpful. Of course, the A.D.A. never told Sonny that anything he said was remotely helpful, but Sonny didn’t mind it when Barba sarcastically dismissed his feedback.

In fact, he kind of liked it. It was as if the A.D.A. were teasing him—as if they had that kind of relationship. And, while Barba’s responses didn’t bother him, his own _responses_ to Barba’s comments bothered the hell out of him.

Because it wasn’t just the way that Barba teased him. It was the rhythm and the smoothness of his voice as he talked, _the way his pants hugged the perfect curve of his ass when he wore suspenders…_

But Sonny wasn’t gay. It wasn’t that there was anything _wrong_ with someone being gay. _That is, as long as it wasn’t Sonny_.

Sonny Carisi had dated a few girls in high school, but nothing really serious. There were a couple of moments in the past few months in which Sonny wondered if his relationship with Amanda Rollins would ever evolve into something romantic, but he quickly decided that it was not in his best interested to conflate a loving, platonic relationship with a still loving but potentially volatile sexual one. And, if Sonny were to be honest with himself, the momentary flicker of romantic tension between him and his female co worker was nothing compared to his desire to feel the fabric of Rafael Barba’s expensive three-piece suits pressed against his chest as they made out.

But the pleasure he felt at the thought of kissing Barba made Sonny feel guilty, even as he touched himself. _It’s okay to be gay, as long as you don’t act on it._ That’s essentially what the Catholic Church said about homosexuality these days. And, of course, even though Sonny Carisi still considered himself to be a devout Catholic, he didn’t buy into any of that bullshit. He had plenty of friends who were gay, a few acquaintances who were _married_ to other men for that matter. He had no problem with it. But suddenly, when it was his own attraction to another man, it felt wrong. He felt dirty and conflicted and—besides—it was his colleague, who most likely wasn’t even interested in him.

So Sonny decided it was best to keep his fantasy as just that: a mere fantasy. If he kept it in long enough, it would just go away.

***

It took Sonny Carisi a few moments to process what went on following the moment when the gunshot went off and the blood splattered his face.

He blinked, feeling Cole’s blood sting in his eyes. _Cole’s blood. Not his own blood._

Disgusted and mesmerized by the sight in front of him, Sonny processed what had just happened. _Liv had shot Cole. Sonny was alive._

He tasted the blood in his mouth—it covered his face, the collar of his shirt, his hair, his ear… _But it was Cole’s blood. Not his own._

He lowered his body to sit on the ground, unsure of whether to feel horror or relief. _Should he be thanking God for his life?_

Just then, he remembered the thought that had crossed his mind before Liv had saved his life. Suddenly, he had a new one.

_Had God given him a second chance?_

It was stupid, it was cheesy, and part of Sonny believed it.

He shrugged the thought away.

_God wouldn’t want that._


	2. Liquid Courage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sonny gets drunk and calls Barba.

Sonny Carisi couldn’t shake the memory from his head.  Each time he ran his hand through his hair, he felt patches where his hair was matted with dried blood.  It was almost amusing in a terrifying, surreal sort of way.  

Just a few hours ago, Sonny Carisi had stared death in the face.  And now, here he was, standing in his apartment kitchen, deciding what to cook himself for dinner like it was any other Tuesday night.

All of a sudden, Sonny wasn’t hungry anymore.  He felt an urgent loneliness rise in his gut—the kind that you can feel, physically, reverberating throughout your body.  Any hunger or energy had Sonny felt a moment ago had slipped away and was replaced by a desperate longing for someone else’s touch.  It wasn’t even a sexual sort of touching that Sonny was craving, necessarily.  Even just the warmth of someone’s arms wrapped around his torso would do.  

He felt his breathing shorten again, and all of a sudden he felt dizzy.  He moved toward the couch and sat down, his arms crossed in front of his stomach, holding his elbows.  He felt tears well up his eyes for no good reason.  His entire body was shaking.  He stared at the floor.

Finally, he managed to calm himself down enough to walk back into the kitchen.  He opened the cabinet above the stove and retrieved an old bottle of scotch.  Aside from the occasional beer, Sonny didn't drink often.  Rarely did Sonny drink alone.  But tonight was different.   

He poured himself a glass and returned to the couch, bringing the bottle with him.  

Sonny pulled his phone out of his pocket.  He considered calling Barba.  What would he say?   _I’m in love with you and I didn’t realize it until someone held a gun to my head and threatened to kill me..._

Maybe if he drank enough, he could do it.   _And if it didn’t go over well, he could just blame it on the alcohol._

Who the hell was he?  Where had Sonny Carisi gone?  

Sonny wasn’t exactly the impulsive type, and thoughts like these were new to them.  He wasn’t quite sure where this part of him had come from—whether the threat against his life had actually changed the way he thought about things or whether the scotch had already kicked in.  A small part of him wondered if his _feelings_ for Barba had anything to do with it.  He felt a strange rush of adrenaline as he hovered his thumb over Barba’s contact info, as if he were daring himself to make the call.  It felt strangely reminiscent of the kind of giddy euphoria that he remembered feeling as a teenager after his crush waved at him in the hallway of his high school over fifteen years ago.  

But he wasn’t in high school anymore.

As his loneliness crept back and the Scotch disappeared, Sonny’s will to fight his urge to press the “call” button began to slip away.  Finally, after a solid 45 minutes of trying to drunkenly reason with himself, Sonny gave in.  

The phone rang twice and began to ring a third time before it’s cut off by Barba’s voice.

“Carisi?  What’s going on?  You do realize it’s ten o’clock on a Tuesday night.”

Sonny paused, then sighed.  

“Yeah.  I do,” he said hesitantly.  

His voice was quiet and deep, and Barba heard something that sounded like pain or disappointment, but he couldn’t quite tell.  He chose to ignore it. It’s wasn't his business.  They’re just colleagues, after all.

“Is this work related?” Barba asked, wondering why else Detective Carisi would call him at ten in the evening.  

“No.”  

_No.  NO?!  What else could it have been?  Something personal? Barba didn’t exactly consider himself to be close friends with Carisi—not outside of work, at least.  Liv, maybe._

“He held me at gunpoint,” was all Sonny could manage.  

_What?_

Barba’s heart jumped when he heard this.  Even if he didn’t consider himself to be Carisi’s best friend, hearing such a statement from anyone would be concerning.  

“Who, Sonny?  Are you okay?”

_Sonny?  Had he just called Carisi by his first name?  Hell, by his nickname?_

Sonny was shaking with nervousness, but the concern in Barba’s voice calmed his nerves a little.  He wasn’t, however, sober enough to recognize that Barba had addressed him by his first name.  

“Tom Cole.  It doesn’t matter.  Liv killed him.  I’m fine.”  

His words were slightly slurred.  Barba wondered for a minute if Carisi was drunk, but he didn’t strike him as the type to get drunk alone on a Tuesday night.  The detective’s Staten Island accent sometimes made his voice sound funny.  That was all it was, Barba decided.

“Then why on earth are you calling me?”  

Barba felt compassion for Carisi, but he was slightly annoyed.  He wasn’t the type to put up with other people’s bullshit, and Carisi knew that.   _Which is why it seemed so strange that Carisi chose to call him of all people._

He could hear Carisi’s loud sigh through the phone.

“The thing is, Barba, I didn’t die.  But I _thought_ I was gonna die.  And I thought of something else, too…”

“Okay… and what the hell does this have to do with me?”

Barba felt a little guilty after saying this, especially after Carisi had just confessed that he had experienced something traumatic earlier that day.  Sometimes his sarcastic tongue moved too quickly.

Carisi didn’t seem to notice or care.

“I thought of you.  I thought of us.  I thought, maybe…”

Sonny’s voice trailed off.   He continued.  

“I don’t know, I don’t know counselor…”

Barba didn’t know either.  

_What the fuck?  What was he implying?_

Barba knew exactly what he was implying.  This was… unfathomably uncomfortable. 

“You’re drunk, Carisi,” was all he could say.  

They both paused for a while.  

“Yeah.  Yeah, I am.  Sorry.”  

 _Beep._ Carisi had hung up the phone.   

Barba sat on his bed, processing what had just went on.  It was awkward, embarrassing, and completely unprofessional.  But a part of Barba pitied Carisi.

And, again, Carisi wasn’t exactly the kind of person he would have expected to sit alone in his apartment drinking on a work night.  For something like that to have happened, Barba knew something must’ve _really_ been troubling Carisi.

Loneliness.  

He tried to shake the interaction out of his mind.  He needed to get some sleep before he could really process what Carisi had said on the phone.  

He began to undress himself, carefully removing his tie and unbuttoning his dress shirt.  He stripped down to his boxers and climbed into bed, dreading the prospect of running into Carisi the next day when he visited the precinct.  

He began to replay their conversation in his head as he tried to fall asleep.  

 _“I thought of you.  I thought of us...”_  

_Why the fuck would Carisi tell him something like that?_

Barba felt his heart rate increase.  He could feel himself growing hard.  

_...And why the fuck am I aroused?_

  
He gave in.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel kind of weird about this... I started off the fic by referring to Sonny Carisi as "Sonny", mainly because it was an internal monologue. But now that it alternates between Barba and Carisi, it's kind of bothering me that I only ever refer to Rafael Barba as "Barba". I've seen this is other fics too. I guess some of it might be because, on the show, they call Carisi "Sonny" quite often, but they never refer to the A.D.A. as "Rafael". It doesn't really matter, I guess. 
> 
> The other thing that might be confusing is that some of the internal monologue stuff (in italics) during the phone call scene alternates between Barba's thoughts and Carisi's thoughts. It's mostly Barba's thoughts, which is weird, considering that—up until that point—we've only heard Carisi's thoughts. If any of these things are particularly confusing, please give me feedback. I don't have a beta reader.


	3. The Next Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sonny goes to work after an awkward night. Things get more awkward.

 

Sonny Carisi considered calling in sick.  It wouldn’t exactly be a lie, either.  His head throbbed a little and his muscles felt weak.  

The thing was, Sonny knew definitively that any sort of physical pain that he felt at the moment was entirely a result of his own poor choices.   _His own poor choices…_

A mild hangover was the least of his problems.  

The SVU squad was currently in the middle of investigating Cameron Walker, the 44 year old manager of a local nightclub.  He was accused of assaulting several of his female employees, and one of his male employees—a college senior named Jason Dunbar—had recently revealed to Lieutenant Benson that one of the victims had disclosed to him three months ago.  Afraid of the prospect of losing his job, Jason had kept quiet.  Now that four other victims had come forward, he was willing to testify against his boss.  

This was a fairly recent development in the case.  Now that they had something substantial to corroborate the victims’ allegations, A.D.A. Rafael Barba would most certainly be headed to the precinct to pay a visit to the Special Victims Unit.

 _This_ was far worse than any mild headache or fatigue.  Because despite how much pain he was in this morning, Sonny hadn’t gotten drunk enough to forget what he had done last night.  

_“I thought of you.  I thought of us."_

Was there any way to justify saying such a thing?  Barba certainly didn’t seem interested in him.  

Sonny tried to visualize how their interaction might go.  He couldn’t think of one possible scenario that wasn’t painfully awkward.   _Painfully awkward at best, relationship-destroying at worst.  Potentially career-destroying._

***

“And we’re sure that Jason is credible?”

Sonny heard Barba’s voice as if it were off in the distance somewhere as he stared at the squad room floor, trying to navigate between paying attention and avoiding the dreaded confrontation.   

“Carisi, are you listening?” asked Benson.  

“Yeah, yeah, of course.” Sonny quickly responded, slightly startled.  “Sorry, Sarge.”     

“Is something wrong?”

“No, nothing at all.  Sorry.  I probably just didn’t get enough sleep last night.  That’s all."

“Are you sure—”

“If he says he’s fine, then he’s probably fine,” interjected Barba.  

There was an uncomfortable tension in the room, and Olivia wasn’t exactly sure why.  

***

As soon as she had a chance to speak to the A.D.A. alone in her office, Olivia took the opportunity to find out what had gone on in the squad room earlier that day.  

“You want to explain to me why you were so adamant that Carisi was ‘fine’ today?” inquired Liv, somewhat angrily.  “You and I both know that he was not acting like his normal self.”  

Barba sighed.  

“You know me, Olivia.  I’m a straight-to-the-point kind of guy.  If he doesn’t want to mention whatever is troubling him, I’m not going to pry.  And I’m also not going to let it interfere with our work.”  

_I’m not going to let it interfere with our work._

“Barba, are you aware that not 24 hours ago this man had a gun held to his head?  Do you have any compassion?”  

Normally, Liv could understand and appreciate Barba’s apathetic demeanor.  But if it came at the expense of a close co-worker, it made her somewhat irritated.  

Liv wasn’t the only one who was growing irritated.  

“Yes, Liv.  I am aware.”  

Liv started back at Barba, puzzled as she tried to read his facial expression.  There was no reason for _him_ to be frustrated or angry, and yet his sarcastic tone seemed to indicate that he was.  

“Why do you say it like that?”

Barba sighed again.  He opened his mouth to speak, but quickly closed it shut.   _Barba at a loss for words.  Not something Liv had ever expected to see._

Recognizing that such occurrences were rare for Barba, Liv began to suspect that something serious was going on and softened her tone.

“Is something going on with you two?” she asked, calmly.  

“You think I’m _fucking_ him?”  

The words slipped out before Barba realized that this was _not_ what she was implying.  

“No… that’s not what I meant.  Necessarily.  If you are, that’s okay, I was just—”

“I’m not.”  

“Okay, good.  But that’s not really the problem here.”  

“And what is the problem, exactly?”

“You tell me.”  

They sat in silence for a few uncomfortable minutes.  Finally, Barba killed the silence.  

“I know what happened with Carisi yesterday,” he admitted, his voice trailing off at the end of the sentence.

“You already said that,” Liv reminded.  

“I know… but that’s just it.  That’s what this is about.  I know, because…" 

“Because what?”

“Because he called me.   _Drunk._ ”

Liv looked a little taken aback.   _Carisi?  Drunk dialing the A.D.A. at night?_ As out of character and inappropriate as it was, she pitied Carisi.  And, now, she pitied Barba a little too.  

“What’d he say?” she sympathetically.  

“I don’t know.  He just seemed really drunk and confused.  And lonely.”  

“Lonely?” Liv repeated, phrasing it as a question even though she already understood.  

“He just seemed sort of… _broken_.  I feel bad for what I said to him earlier, I really do.  But it shouldn’t have been my problem in the first place.”  

“Do you really think that? I’m not saying that you’re wrong.”

“Well… there’s one other thing that he said.”  

“And what was that?”  

 _Silence again._ She could see Barba’s green eyes dart from the floor to the window and then back to meet her gaze as he prepared his response.  She had never seen him this vulnerable before.

“He implied that he’s… attracted to me.  Sexually.  Romantically.  Whatever you want to call it.” 

“Oh,” was all Liv said.  She was clearly surprised, but nothing indicated that she was ashamed of him in any way.  “And are you interested in him?” 

Barba laughed bitterly.  

“No.  No way.”  

Something in his face indicated otherwise.  Liv was certain of it.

“Are you sure?” 

He hesitated again.   

“I don’t know, Liv.  He’s my co-worker.”  

“All I’m saying is, next time you see him, maybe you should say something to him.”  

Barba thought about it.  

“Okay.  Maybe I will.”

He didn’t plan on it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I kind of rushed through this chapter. I might go back and make some changes, and I'm open to suggestions if you have any (or if you notice any grammatical mistakes). I found myself wanting to focus on the dialogue, which definitely impaired my ability to write the other stuff. 
> 
> In particular, as I was re-formatting my pic, I noticed that I had some tense issues in the last chapter. I keep forgetting that this thing is in the past tense and sometimes I switch to the present. My apologies for that. If you catch anything, feel free to point it out. Be nice, though. As I said before, this is my first fic :)


	4. Catharsis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Liv and Sonny talk. I hate writing summaries so you might as well ignore them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I finally decided to write another (short) chapter to this fic even though it is trash... I may or may not continue to do so periodically. It depends on how *inspired* I feel. Anyway, I don't really know what's going on with the spacing on this thing because I'm not really sure how to use this website.

Sonny stood in the squad room, hunched over Rollins’ desk.  Things were slowly returning to normal, but there was still an undeniably awkward tension between him and Barba.  

“I’m just saying, Rollins.  Something rubs me the wrong way about this guy.  I just don’t understand why you would keep quiet about something that serious for so long if you were a decent person.  It’s not like he  has that much at stake.”

Before Rollins could answer, Liv approached the desk.

“I’m sorry to interrupt,” she interjected. “I was wondering if you would speak to me privately for a moment, Carisi?”

“Uh… yeah, sure,” Sonny replied, nervously looking around the room as he processed the Lieutenant's request.

She sensed his confusion.

“In my office, Carisi.”  

“Yeah, of course.  

***

“How are you holding up?”

Liv watched as Carisi anxiously fiddles with the cuffs of his shirtsleeves.  

“I’m fine, Lieutenant,” he answered.  “I was just thrown off a little by what happened a few days ago.  You know… with the gun.”  

“I can imagine.”  

Sonny finally looked up from the floor to meet Liv’s gaze.  He didn’t entirely know why, but he felt like he was on the verge of tears.  

“Are you okay, Sonny?” she asked, genuinely concerned.  “Sit down, let’s talk.”

Her question triggered an overwhelming emotional response.  Sonny wasn’t sure why, but all of a sudden he began to cry.  It was a pleasantly cathartic experience, although he wasn’t  used to showcasing this kind of vulnerability to others.  

“I’m sorry, Lieutenant.  I don’t know what’s going on, it’s just been affecting me a lot.  You know, thinking about what happened and stuff.  And I don’t think I’ve been handling it very well.”

Liv maintained eye contact with him when he let her, attempting to communicate her compassion through her facial expressions.  

“If you need to take some time off, I understand,” she offered.  “Otherwise, I can connect you with my therapist for a referral.”

She pointed him to a box of tissues.  He took one and crumpled it up in his hand before wiping his nose.

  
“It’s okay.  It’s gotten better, mostly.  I just really needed this.”

“Take the card anyway,” she said, handing him her therapist’s information.

Sonny stood up to go, but Liv stopped him before he could open the door.

“One more thing, Carisi.”

“Yeah?”  

“Barba told me you called him the night everything happened.”  
_Shit.  How was he supposed to respond to that?_

“Um… yeah,” he replied, uncomfortably.  “I was in a bad place and I wasn’t really thinking straight.  So if he told you I said anything stupid to him, I didn’t mean it.”

“He told me you were drunk.”

Sonny swallowed nervously.

  
“Um, yeah… I was.  Like I said, I wouldn’t normally do something like that I just--what else did he tell you?”

As he spoke, he could hear the volume of his words increase.   _Yikes.  If she didn’t think he was crazy before, she did now._

“It’s okay, Sonny.  I’ve known you long enough to know that you’re usually responsible and I understand that something like this might have had an impact on you.  We’re having this conversation because I am concerned about you, not because you’re in trouble.  Understood?”

“Yeah, Lieutenant,” he responds, feeling both embarrassed and relieved.  “I understand.  May I go now?”

“Just one more thing.”

“What?”

“Under different circumstances, I think that Barba might have appreciated a call from you.”

  
Sonny’s face turned bright red.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully, this fic will start to get a little more exciting in the chapters to come. I have stuff planned out, but the interesting parts take a lot longer to write. We'll get there eventually.


End file.
